NYE Anxiety

The boyfriend&I were invited to a neighbor's
New Years Eve party

-

A couple who generally makes me feel uncomfortable.

Tall-Dark-Handsome guy
Stick-Skinny-Fashionista girl

both of whom shamelessly look both of us up&down

and tonight will be no exception.

I'm sure their friends are very similar to them...

all the ones I've met so far have seemed to be.

.short dresses & high heels.

.long&beautiful hair with long&thin legs.

I'm not looking forward to being around that all night.

Someday
I hope to be the tiny&gorgeous girl at the party...

Day 110

Breakfast:
Everything Bagel Sandwich - 500cals
Lunch:
Pineapple Pizza - 250cals
Italian Salad - 250cals
Dinner:
Bean Dip & Chips - 250cals
[THROW UP]
Night Life:
Chardonnay - 350cals

Exercise:
Dance - 300cals

NET: 1300 [1100]

Drinking Meals

So much drinking lately.

(meals out with girlfriends - holiday parties - etc)

I'm ready for the holidays to be over

so I can eat&drink like a normal person again.

My brother came to town

so we went out

(like usual)

and drank the majority of our calories.

By 8pm, I'd only BarHopped&DrankBeer.

I have no desire to drink again

till, like, St. Patty's Day.

Not only is it so awful for me

but it also makes me not want to work out at all.

I guess it's good that I barely ate today, though.

I drank my calories instead of eating.

But I'd rather not do that anymore.

Day 109

Food:

Chips & Guacamole - 300cals

Drink:

Bud Light - 400cals

Exercise:

Walk - 300cals

NET: 400

Weight Wishes

Ever since I can remember wishing on anything

Fallen Eyelashes - 11:11 - Birthday Candles

I've wished for weight loss

which is incredibly silly

because it's all about my control&effort

not the wishes I make

that cause my to shape up & drop pounds.

When it comes to wishing, though

that seems to be all I can think of.

Day 108

Breakfast:
CornedBeefHash Omelette - 460cals
Lunch:
Chips&Salsa - 170cals
Snack:
Hot Tamales - 140cals
Dinner:
Cheese Bread - 440cals

Exercise:
Stairs Run - 430cals

NET:  780

Secret Obsession

Over the holidays I got together with some girlfriends.

One of them has lost a significant amount of weight
since college.

We had dinner at a Italian restaurant

and

all she talked about was wanting to order something delicious

but that she couldn't allow herself to get FAT again.

After she'd downed a couple dirty martinis

she munched off everyone's plates

sloppily shoveling carbs
between her pink, smudged lips.

I saddened me.

I created this blog so I could keep my obsession to myself.

I've been up&down

...

and people have noticed.

I've lost&gained

...

and people point it out.

(one of my girlfriends actually mentioned that:
I'm looking thinner at our Italian dinner.)

But whether I'm chubbyORtiny

...

I keep my thoughts to myself

and

never spew my weight-loss desires
or
weight-gain fears under wraps.

Day 107

Lunch:
Black Bean Burger - 350cals
Waffle Fries - 150cals
Dinner:
Fresh Mozzarella, Tomato, Basil, Balsamic Vinegar - 200cals
Dirty Martini - 100cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Walk - 200cals

NET: 600 [550]

Naughty 105-106

Bagels w/ Full Fat Cream Cheese

Pizza w/ Ranch

Crackers w/ Cheese

Burritos w/ Queso

Truffles

I had two days

of naughty-naughty dairy-filled binge-eating.

After behaving so well over the holiday

and weighing in at 127lbs on Christmas Eve

I fucked up and ate around 5000calories

in two short days!

What the fuck is wrong with me!?

I laid in bed with my boyfriend

and slammed anything&everything that sounded good.

I guess knowing I plan to give up dairy

made me desperate to eat all I could before January.

I still can't believe what I did.

But I must accept it and move on.

Nowhere to go, but up from here.

Days 103-104

Christmas Eve:
Protein Shake
BBQ Meatballs
CreamCheese-CornedBeef-Pickle Roll-Ups
Crackers&Cheese
[THROW UP]

NET: (probably around) 500cals

Christmas Day:
Blueberry Coffee Cake
Turkey-Potatoes-Gravy
RiceCrispies&Chocolate
Tons of Coffee
[THROW UP]

NET: (probably around) 1000cals

Aerobics&Soup

For about two weeks now

the boyfriend&I have been pulling two-a-days.

6am & 7pm workouts

My morning workouts are basically light aerobics

and the evening is hardcore

…

as I am to make sure I work off any/all calories I ate

throughout the day.

Unfortunately

I’m not always so good at actually holding up my end of the plans.

Damnit.

I guess, though, I’ve been eating pretty well

(minus candy – here&there)

because I’ve been making gigantic batches of spicy chicken soup

every Sunday afternoon

and dividing it into lunch portions for my entire week

which really helps me control my intake.

 

Now, though, is the Holiday Weekend...

let's see how this goes.

Day 100

Lunch:
Navy Bean Soup – 130cals
Greek Salad w/ Pita Bread – 260cals
Snack:
Zimtsterne Cookies – 170cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Black Olives & FF Dressing – 100cals

Exercise:
Elliptical – 400cals

NET: 260

Old Pants

So, a couple weekends ago I discovered

a box in the back of my closet

filled with clothes.

When we moved,

I packed a box of clothes with holes&rips

that I hoped to fix someday

…

then obviously forgot about.

I was excited when I found it,

cause I’d just been thinking

that I needed some new jeans and

– instead of buying any –

I simply fixed some old ones that fit perfectly well.

Well, maybe not so perfectly

since I put on some weight

since I bought most of those jeans

...

hence why I've been able to live without them.

Today, I’m wearing one of the pairs I patched up

– a pair of purple skinnies I bought in college.

I distinctly remember wearing them to the bar 2 summers ago

and they were so tight I couldn’t button them

…

I left it undone

and

put a belt on to cover the opening.

When I put them on this morning,

they were loose around the waist

…

a full hand can fit

between the front button and my belly.

I feel incredibly satisfied by this.

And I hope soon:

they'll be TOO BIG.


Too bad there are so many holiday treats around
causing me to stumble lately.
Who has chocolate for breakfast!?
A fat girl who definitely won't have loose pants
come January!
C'mon... gotta get it together right now.

Day 99

Breakfast:
Dark Chocolate & Raspberry Squares - 170cals
Lunch:
Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Chips & Guacamole - 385cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ FF Raspberry Dressing - 100cals
CornedBeefHash Omelette - 300cals

Exercise:
Walk - 150cals

NET: 915

Tanspiration

I started tanning again.

I know, it seems strange to go to a tanner when you live in a year-round warm-weather climate, but I simply don’t have time to go outside and tan enough. Instead, I started going at the gym, which isn’t the most convenient cause I don’t want to be all tanning-lotioned-up before my work out or shower then get in the tanner after a hard workout. So I’ve been doing light cardio and a tan in the mornings before work, then my intense cardio at night. It’s a lot of driving, but it’s worth it to look the way I want to look. And, since I don’t want to tan at my hardcore evening gym time, it forces me to get up in the morning.

Unfortunately, the first time I decided to go, the only bed open was a stand-up and I burned the shit outa my armpits. After soothing myself with aloe for a weekend, I’m sticking with relaxing laydown beds and thoroughly enjoying the results.

I also had to go on and get some new lotions. A facial one to help my zitty-nastiness and a great bronzer to help speed up the process.

I always feel skinnier when I’m tan.

And my facial complexion gets better

which is great.

Before I know it, I’ll be a tiny&tan beauty again.

Can’t wait.

Day 98

Lunch:
Spicy Mexican Soup - 110cals
Snack:
Fat Free Frozen Yogert - 270cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Peppers & FF Italian - 125cals

Exercise:
Elliptical - 505cals

NET: 0

Factory Girl

I saw this movie ages ago

and I found

all the art & stick-thin models

completely beautiful&inspiring.

(and thinspirational - of course)

I need to rent it again.

It's dark yet thought-provoking

colorful&deep.

It's, well, just great.

Day 97

Lunch:
Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Almonds - 200cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Cottage Cheese & Croutons - 205cals

Exercise:
StairMaster - 175cals
Elliptical - 480cals
Cycling - 55cals

NET: -195

My Scale

My mother – who’s been feeding into my weight obsession since I can remember – sent me her old scale in the mail and I finally received it over the weekend. She claims it’s entirely accurate – having weighed in at home then heading directly to the doctor’s office to find the same weight – so I’m excited to actually use this scale. It’s so inconvenient to use the gym scale. In one of my three gym location options, the scale is in the office, so I have to ask to use it. No thanks. And in the other two, it’s right in the middle of the weight-lifting machines. It’ll be nice to have a good scale to keep track of myself on. I put it right next to my desk (where I sit down to type all these posts) so it’s a nice, little motivator&reminder.

And, even after my awful weekend, I weighed in on Monday morning and I’d lost .5lbs. woohoo. I guess one blown weekend didn’t completely kill me.
Now I just have to convince myself to only do Monday weigh-ins instead of hopping on and checking a million times a day.

Day 96

Lunch:
Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Almonds - 110cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Cottage Cheese & Croutons - 260cals
Dessert:
Pumpkin Pie - 200cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Elliptical - 350cals

NET: 330 [130]

Holed-Up Weekend

The boyfriend&I basically ate the same meals two days in a row this weekend. The same naughty meals. Since we were basically out of groceries and decided to hole up inside doing Christmas decorating&wrapping instead of leaving the apartment, we had to make do with what we had in our fridge&cabinets. I’d bought some corned beef hash & fat free cheese slices, so omelets were a must. And the bag of potatoes under our sink turned into a couple different side dishes. And Jack’s pizza – my absolute favorite kind of frozen pizza – go us through the one lunch we decided to break&eat. The worst thing I indulged in was an entire brick of cream cheese with pretzel chips. If I’d have avoided those, I probably would have been a lot better off. I had a couple purges throughout the weekend and walked up&down my apartment stairs, so I probably netted less than 4,000 for the weekend, but that’s still pretty terrible. I guess as long as I’m well-behaved the entire week, I’ll survive one naughty naughty weekend.

Days 94&95

Breakfast:
CornedBeefHash Omelets w/ FF Cheddar – 670cals
Lunch:
Jack’s Pizza w/ Ranch – 430cals
Snack:
Preztel Chips w/ Cream Cheese – 2000cals
Oatmeal Cookies – 380cals
Dinner:
Fried Potatoes – 240cals
Loaded Baked Potato – 530cals
Side Salad – 135cals
Baked Beans – 280cals

NET: 4665cals

Flirtatious Motivation

We went out for drinks with the boyfriend’s flirtatious-friend tonight. For the first time, I didn’t worry about what I was going to wear in front of him… though I enjoy the attention from an attractive man, I’m very much over his attention. Ironically enough, he seemed even more interested in my loose-fitting black jeans&hoodie than normal. But, I still wasn’t fooled by his attention. He flirted with the girl who checked out I.D.’s then took forever to order his drink because he insisted on asking our waitress a million questions (though he always gets the same drink). No matter who he’s flirting with, though, attention is nice. It’s great to be looked at – really looked at … even semi-judged … with a detailed investigation of my body. It kept my from eating anything more than half the boyfriend’s order of french fries and one Long Island Iced Tea. And the thought of young, men looking at me in a bar made munching on anything once I got home seem like a disgusting idea. I guess, whether it’s a flirtatious-man-whore or my-own-boyfriend, attention is a great motivator.

Day 93

Lunch:
Spicy Mexican Soup – 112cals
Roasted Almonds – 160cals
Dinner:
Pretzel Crackers – 33cals
French Fries – 155cals
Long Island Ice Tea – 185cals

Exercise:
Run – 250cals
Walk – 100cals

NET: 295

Boyfriend Disposal

The boyfriend has been trying to hardcore diet

which means he plans to have protein shakes

for breakfast&lunch

then soup&salad for dinner

with morning workouts 3x a week

and nightly weight training.

The thing about him, though, is that:

he talks a big talk

but since we've been together

he's never followed through.

So when he complains about

how starving he is mid-day

I can give him most of my meal

and he quickly takes it without realizing

that if he's eating it... I'm not.

Works for me.

Lots of workout time

and someone to eat my food before I can.

Now if only he'd go to the gym with the good tanner

I'd be in heaven!

Today, of course, we both did a little munching.
Damnit.
A vendor brought in pizza
and I successfully avoided it
but he brought home twizzlers&milkduds
a coworker had handed out.
And I ate too many calories worth of both.
Damnit.

Day 91

Lunch:
Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Snack:
Twizzlers - 140cals
Milk Duds - 80cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Cottage Cheese & Croutons - 260cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Elliptical - 490cals

NET: 100 [-30]

Bilson Thinspo

Ever since my high school days of watching The O.C.

I’ve thought Rachel Bilson was adorable.

She’s so petite&sassy

and

I always love the rolls she plays in.

Obviously, I’m a big fan of Hart of Dixie on the CW

–

mostly so I can see the cute outfits

she puts on her tiny frame.

She’s incredibly sexy

even though she tends to play

simple

not-obviously-sexy characters

so it’s always like a breath of fresh air

with rediculously hot sex scenes

–

like the one in The Last Kiss.



Day 90

Lunch:
Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Snack:
Godiva Dark Chocolate Truffles - 100cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Cottage Cheese & Croutons - 260cals

Exercise:
Cycle - 150cals
Stair Master - 50cals
Elliptical - 300cals

NET: 30

One Year Woops

My One Year Anniversary came&went

and I didn't even realize it.

I had a goal to lose by that date

(November 7th)

but I definitely didn't make it to

whatever goal that was...

That's seems to by how it's been going with me

for years.

I set goals

and dates to reach them by

then the dates come&go

and the fat stays right where it is.

I really really wish I'd just

get my shit together.

I entirely sure that I'm on the right tract

but I have to make sure I

keep it up

for good

this time.

This morning's weigh-in:

128.5lbs.

Day 89

Lunch:
Veggie non-dairy Gumbo - 300cals
Snack:
FF Greek Yogurt - 70cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Cheese & Croutons - 200cals

Exercise:
Elliptical - 350cals

NET: 220

Emails&IceCream

So I discovered the other day

that I could change the background

of my gmail inbox.

So, obviously, I switched it to:

little girls eating ice cream

to remind myself:

what not to do.

No eating naughty treats all day.

No.

No.

No.

Day 88

Breakfast:
Turkey Sausage & Cheddar Omelette - 180cals
Lunch:
Wheat Pancakes & Syrup - 200cals
Dinner:
Mashed Potatoes - 120cals

Exercise:
NONE - laziest Sunday EVER

NET: 500

Rock&Thin

She may have driven my crazy on Gossip Girl

(thank god she’s “in Europe” now)

but she’s a great source of thinsporation

with grungy&edgy style.

And “Make Me Wanna Die” is a one great track

to rock&work out to.

Yep, Taylor Momsen makes me wanna

cake on the eye-liner

slip into some sloppy&ripped clothes

and take on the world.

Soon, I’ll be doing so in a thin-thin-thin body, too.

Day 87

Lunch:
Mexican Chicken Salad - 110cals
Romaine w/ Croutons & Ranch - 110cals
[THROW UP]
Dinner:
Pineapple Pizza - 200cals
Dessert:
Hersey Kisses - 220cals

Exercise:
Run - 300cals

NET: 340 [240]

Thin Again

I know. I know.
I say the same shit over&over.

I've had a sudden burst of motivation.

I'm flying into Chicago

for a Girls' Reunion

over New Years

and I want to be the

skinniest girl in the group again.

I used to be the one

who everyone would tell to

"eat a hamburger"

with a lip-sneer

while examining my body.

I used to be the one

to lay over everyone

in the backseat of the DD's car.

I was the tiny one.

And I will be again.

Major deficit today.

I know I fall off the wagon here&there

but days like these let me know that

I've still got it

I can still do this

and I will.

Day 86

Lunch:
Brussel Sprouts - 80cals
Banana Bread - 70cals
Snack:
Dark Chocolate - 45cals
Dinner:
Fat Free Cottage Cheese - 80cals
Multigrain Tortilla Chips - 140cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Elliptical - 440cals
Walk w/ Stairs - 100cals

NET: -125 [-265]

VS Frame

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

is always a great source of thinsporation

and this year was no exception

–

though I thought the musical performances

(including the amazing&sexy Rihanna)

were more heavily showcased than

the thin, scantily-clad runway models.

I love how lean&muscular the girls are

instead of being complete beanpoles

…

Mostly because I think my body is more likely

to look like that than boney.

I was texting my best friend during the show

and

she pointed out that I always have muscle definition

even when I’m barely working out

so I should “aim for a VS body.”

Haha – good dream.

I guess that’s something to aim for.

My 5’3 body will never have those long&lanky legs

but I will be that tiny&toned.

Day 85

Lunch:
Brussel Sprouts - 80cals
Snack:
Dark Chocolate - 45cals
Dinner:
Ruby Tuesday's Salad Bar - 100cals
Ruby Tuesday's Zucchini Cakes - 275cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 100cals
Elliptical - 200cals

NET: 200

Party Cheats

Tonight was my office Holiday Party

at a fancy Italian restaurant.

I probably would have done better

if there hadn't been an open bar.

I simply can't resist wine.

Food wise...I think I did pretty well.

Salad&Salmon

Once I'd downed 3 glasses of wine

though

I couldn't resist dessert.

And tirimisu is one of my favorites.

Since it was about an hour from home

I was able to hit the gym after the drive,

so I worked the elliptical during Nashville.

(and burned some cals during post-dinner sex)

Have to start doing better.

These little cheats here&there are going to add up.

Weigh-in next Monday.

eek!

Day 84

Lunch:
Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Dinner:
Italian Salad - 150cals
Balsamic Glazed Salmon - 150cals
Dessert:
Tirimisu - 220cals
Wine - 210cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 150cals
Elliptical - 200cals

NET: 490

Bad Horoscope

This was my horoscope today...

 

You may have been a bit obsessed with self-discipline lately. That may be because you overindulged in some way awhile ago and it came back to haunt you. Maybe you went on an ice cream binge and gained several pounds you can't seem to lose. Maybe you splurged a bit too often while shopping and now you're still paying the piper. Whatever it was, though, it's time to give yourself a break. You learned your lesson. Indulgence is good for the soul now and then, as long as you can keep moderation in mind.

 

Fuck that.

Day 83

Breakfast:
Brussel Sprouts - 80cals
Lunch:
Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Dark Chocolate - 50cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ FF Italian & Veggies - 100cals

Exercise:
Elliptical - 470cals

NET: -110

PamperPrep

I've been MIA for a minute.

.messed up computer.

.out-of-town family visits.

.booze-filled weekends.

So I'm pampering myself tonight

to bring me back to life.

Deep Conditioning Treatment

Freshly Shaved

Facial

Mani&Pedi

Teeth Whitening

Nothin' like a good-ole-fashion

night of spoiling

to motivate myself into getting

back in the game.

.Feeling Pretty leads to Getting Skinny.

Day 82

Lunch:
Navy Bean Soup - 130cals
Greek Salad - 140cals
Snack:
Birthday Cupcake - 100cals
Beef Taco - 200cals
Dinner:
Whole Grain Waffles - 160cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 150cals

NET: 580